


The Moon Ends

by graspthesanity



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Era, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-08-22 07:30:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16593527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graspthesanity/pseuds/graspthesanity
Summary: Roxas suddenly stops dreaming of Sora and sees a red headed man instead. What if Axel had managed to interfere with everything much earlier? (Based on the events of KH2.)





	1. Chapter 1

Maybe teenage years will become nostalgia eventually, but when you're on the grass, looking at the twilight sky which barely ever changes, it doesn't really feel that way. I take out my phone to check the time, wondering what time could it possibly be and why is everyone always late just because the meeting location is something else? It's not like the city is big enough to get lost anyway. Every nook and cranny is known to everyone. Even the seven wonders made no sense, they just seemed glitches of the mind, some misfortune of the town trying to make itself important, just like any other place would. I roll over to my stomach and watch the grass just to see if there is any evidence of ants or any other bugs, but it seems like the coast is clear and the desire to buy ice cream is rather intense. 

I had dreamt of something strange this night. It wasn't the boy for once with his memories and people asking me things I had no idea of. This time it was the Clock Tower, it was striking it's bell and a hooded figure just looked at me, I could feel that its eyes were trying to pierce my soul before a hearty laugh came out and I had woken up, as if it was some sort of childish nightmare. But it wasn't. It was as if I had seen the figure before. I couldn't help but wonder who the figure was. But it seemed odd that today's nightmare or dream was the one that was catching my attention. 

It was as if it was telling me that it would come for me. 

Eventually Hayner, Pence and Olette came. They apologized and somehow managed to split the bill for the ice creams among themselves, but I couldn't help but keep my mind drifting elsewhere. Why was tonight different? Why did I dream of something else and why was it worrying? Was I coming back to normal? I had no idea. I couldn't voice it off to my friends, either. I just kept it to myself the entire day, barely entertaining them with chatter, which wasn't too unusual. 

I went to sleep earlier that night, nearly gambling if I would dream of the other boy or of the cloaked figure. It was the latter. Somehow it didn't surprise me. It was as if I was expecting. And so was the figure. This time we were in the mansion, reminding me of the homework of the bogus seven wonders I should've been doing but wasn't. 

The room was entirely white, he was gazing at one of the many paintings on the wall, his back towards me and he turned his head lightly, before revealing himself from his hood. Red fiery hair showed up in nearly perfect spikes and emerald green eyes, which were piercing me the prior night. 

“Roxas.” He said my name as if he had said it a thousand times. Now it was my turn to look at the paintings, to look around and he just watched me softly. I could see from every glance, that he was choosing his words carefully somehow. But the right words wouldn't come, it was my dream so I'm guessing just like I could barely speak for a living, the same for the guy. He was in my dreamland after all. Maybe I was cursed to make everyone barely speak as well. 

“Come to the mansion.” And he puts his hand on my shoulder and I look at it, feeling how softly he had put it there and I don't understand anything. He's much taller than I am and I have never seen him before. Why would a dream call me to the mansion? He rubs my shoulder with his thumb, before the dream dissolves and I can hear his voice saying “now” as I wake up. I turn to the window, instantly opening my eyes with my heart nearly breaking out of my chest. 

I couldn't actually go, right? I didn't know how I would sneak past the parents bedroom, which was nearly next to mine. Why would I even trust a dream? But the idea of breaking the dreams of the boy was something giving me a strange gut feeling. I felt if I were to follow the fiery red guy that somehow it would all make sense, that he would make me understand and maybe feel whole. That thought got me off the bed. 

Was I not whole? 

Was there something wrong with me that somehow my dreams were linked to someone else's? Was there something wrong that I was talking to this girl called Kairi? Who was she anyway? What was the white room? Why was it a part of an abandoned mansion, which was clearly destroyed? Wasn't the girl the ghost of the mansion? Was the guy not a ghost then? 

But I sneaked out, I grabbed yesterday's clothes and nearly ran to the mansion as soon as I hid in the woods, the empty streets trailing way behind me and reminding me how with the right ticks on the clock people would go sleep so easily. It's as if no one was ever alive and they followed some written rule. The woods were very well lit by the half moon, as if it were daylight, but I didn't bother to stop my pace. I wanted to see what the whole deal was. 

There he was. 

He stood at the gates, looking up at the mansion, maybe at the half moon, I wasn't sure. Then he turned around and seemed more surprised, but a smile played on his lips. 

“I was so scared that they would keep you locked up enough for me to never reach you, Roxas.” He seemed to be confessing and finally approached me. It seemed as if he wanted to touch me, to somehow see if I was actually here, but he held back, pushing his arms behind him, then running a hand through his hair. I stood quietly, observing his long black coat, confused. 

I had so many questions to ask to this red headed guy, but the words wouldn't come out of my mouth. He looked around to make sure we were the only ones under half the moon. At least that's what it looked like to me. I didn't know what he was afraid of. I didn't know anything about him and I had no idea why was I here either. Something within me wanted to stop dreaming of the other boy. I wanted my dreams back and if they happened to be in form of a red haired man, that seemed better somehow, without no explanation attached. I didn't even know what he meant by locked me up enough. I was always in Twilight Town, at most I would go to the beach during Summer break or spend some time nearly anywhere just to kill the dull days of the whole year round. I couldn't say that my life was very exciting, but there was something comforting about it like a blanket. Nothing bad or extraordinary seemed to happen and I should've been happy about that, but you only realize that when something out of the blue happens and turns your world around. 

The guy seemed puzzled at my lack of talking. I wondered if was expecting much more, but instead he seemed to be weighing every single option in his head. I don't know how many minutes he spent looking at me from head to toe, before a smile played on his lips with a small laugh. 

“Geez, they sure made you blend you in.” It seemed like a conversation starter to someone who knew. But I had no idea what he was talking about, he was in my dreams after all, just asking me to come see him in the haunted mansion. He looked at me from head to toe and then stretched his hand to touch my hoodie. I flinched lightly. “I guess it would've been odd if they gave you unusual fabric too.” 

“Sorry, sorry.” He apologized and a wind blew from behind the mansion, causing both of us to look behind us. The red haired guy sighed and then looked at me dead in the eye. “They really erased everything... right? You don't know who I am...”

It wasn't even a question, it was a sad statement of sorts. 

“I don't. I don't know your name. All I know is that you showed up in my dreams twice and-”

“Once in life.” The guy interrupted me, smiling. What connection did he even have to me? “Well... I expected all outcomes, but one that involved me carrying you unconscious to the Organization was something I was highly against doing.” 

I tilted my head in confusion, a huh escaping my lips. 

“Oh, man, they really made sure to wipe you clean. I'm not even sure you'd wear such... clothes, but hey, not even best friends know everything, right?” He said shrugging with both arms, he seemed composed and pleased that he had managed to get me to come here. I couldn't help but look at the mansion. It looked as deserted and spooky as ever. Why was there a plain white room inside it and why did the guy talk to me from it? “I mean, I'm not saying that your clothes are bad. It's just unusual to see you in something other than a black coat.”

I seemed to be more confused visually than I was. I didn't know where to start asking and I was sure that the guy had no idea how to start either.

“You wore a coat exactly like mine.” He tugged on the chains of his coat. “Only smaller, of course. It's not like they made everyone wear the same size and look goofy.” 

He seemed amused at the image, considering that he was rather taller than I was. 

“But... who are they?” I asked, gesticulating with one hand. I seemed to be filled with so many questions that I couldn't even extract them from myself. 

“Organization XIII, Roxas. You were a part of it. I'd say, don't you remember, but you really don't. We...” He started but then trailed off, looking around once more. Something ruffled in the bushes, which caused him to instantly stretch his arms sideways and instantly two fires appeared out of his hands. I stepped aside, as some sort of circular sharp weapons seemed to be summoned in each hand.

“I guess Organization XIII was enough for-” We both pause as a fox appears from the bushes and looks at us curiously before turning to the left and heading towards the woods. We both look at the other bewildered, before I look back down at the strange weapons. “I guess... I found a right way to get you back.”

“But... But who are you? You said we were best friends.” I say cautiously, making sure that I've been digesting every single thing he had been saying until now. The guy sighed again, even a small pout and I couldn't help but wonder what sort of magic was he using that the weapons materialized and how come I stayed so calm? Why was he better than someone assuming I was someone else? 

“I'm Axel, Roxas. We used to be best friends, got it memorized... Well, try to. I hope your brain won't restart once you hit the pillow. You used to be quite the heavy sleeper and then wake up bewildered about what happened...” He trailed off and I couldn't help but try to understand how come he knew that I was a heavy sleeper. But then, I was always impossible to wake up alarm on phone or not. His weapons vanished just as soon as they appeared with fire around them and Axel rubbed the back of his neck, worried that he might've slipped something. He wasn't good at explaining and I wasn't good at asking either. 

“Like what?” I asked and that's when Axel blinked a few times, bewildered himself. 

“Geez... Did they erase that too? Born again virgin?”


	2. Chapter 2

A born again virgin?

My mind had never gone this blank before. I blinked and Axel just looked away, wondering if he had given over something important ahead of it's time. I didn't know how to react to his sudden words and it's seemed so bizarre. 

Had I a sexual relationship with him... wherever he was from?

This was mildly concerning when I should've been focusing on the fact that someone had erased my memory. Maybe it was Seifer and his gang? Maybe they hit me hard with my own skateboard but how could I forget that... I was having sex? Was it more than once? I quickly glanced up and our gazes met, but he still couldn't bare to look at me in the eyes properly, his eyes would flick and go back to mine. So it was recent. Or whatever could be called recent. I was young. What the hell happened? Why was I having sex... when I was a virgin as far as I could remember? Was he tricking me? Was he some sort of pervert who was tricking me into his bed?

There was something different about me. I didn't go around like Hayner, chasing girls. Instead I kept myself to myself up to the point of simply not even thinking of it properly. I didn't want to just go ahead and say that actually I wasn't interested in girls. Yet here I was with some guy claiming that I had a sexual relationship with him, the type where we slept together and he knew my sleeping patterns. This was messed up and messing with my mind as well. I haven't even had the courage to do anything yet. Sure, I had been tempted the idea of messing with some apps, and heavily entertained the thought. I touched myself to release the tension when it was too much to bear. But I didn't dare to do anything outside. 

I was a late bloomer. 

I wanted to stay that way. 

But apparently I had... not seen that coming. Well, assuming that what Axel was talking about was real. Could I even trust him with such tangible details? 

Maybe he was talking about something else, but he was far too shy to look at me in the eyes. We had sex. I was awful at conversations and I didn't know how to proceed. Axel, thankfully, found a way to continue, at least by not looking away from me. He glanced around again. I wasn't even worried about the weapons any longer, I had seen plenty in my dreams and if this was the reality I was in... so be it? I wasn't sure. All of a sudden I felt oddly tired and wanted to sit down, it felt like I was starting to get dizzy, but it wasn't like I was repulsed. I just didn't want... to admit certain things, which were obviously dangling in front of me and within my grasp. Axel opens his mouth, but I interrupt him. 

“We... had sex? But I barely know you.” I state. I know that plenty of men have sex with strangers, but he did claim that we were best friends. What the fuck happened there? 

“Roxas... Sorry, you and I... We were rather close.” I feel a twitch in my groin. He wasn't bad looking, nothing to complain about there. What had we done? A thousand images flashed in my mind from his mouth on my cock, my mouth on his cock, laying on the bed spread out and him entering me as I arch my back- I shouldn't really be thinking of this now. The cloak hid his bottom half, so I had no idea if he was excited or I begged, to shy to think of the things which were crossing my mind. “We were best friends. So there's no lie there. But-”

He cleared his throat. 

“Sometimes friendships progress-”

“I'm not two. I'm very well aware.” I nearly snap and quickly apologize, to which Axel just motions that it's okay because it is a lot to sink in when a stranger just shows up to say that you've both had sex somehow and that hadn't strained the friendship. He shrugs. 

“It was natural.” He looks down on my lips, my chest feels heavier. It's as if some memories are trying to claw themselves back. “I liked you from the get-go, you said that so did you. But we never intended to actually progress.”

I wasn't even sure that we should've been focusing on this part of the discussion, but here we were. 

“I'm digressing...” He confesses. 

“No, no... You can't just show up and say that you took my virginity.” My voice cracks at the word virginity. “I want it all to make sense, Axel.”

I nearly stretch my hand out to hold his. I want to know. Who is he? Why should I trust him? Should I tell him about the dreams of the other boy? 

“Me too, Roxas, me too.” He confesses. He steps a bit closer. “I told you I was gay... You weren't taken back. You still remained friends with me... It doesn't matter now if I say that I had a crush on you, when I said it, because you're all wiped clean. I can confess anything... Anything at all.”

I really hesitate but put a hand on his arm. Axel doesn't flinch at the touch, but seems to ease. 

“I just don't know what memories they put in you.” He says each word out carefully. “I don't know if you're gay now. Well, self-aware, that is.”

I hold myself from flinching. I tried not to think of it. 

“No, I... I didn't do anything. I'm...” A virgin? Am I really? Why am I trusting this guy with my soul? “I don't know then.”

I simply confess. 

“It really bugs me.” He pauses. I see sadness cloud his eyes, but he's not crying, he's just desperate from this whole situation. “You don't remember anything. Anything at all. You couldn't even remember my name.”

Axel sighs. 

“We had sex, Roxas. Now those memories are only my own to keep.” I squeeze his arm and he looks at my hand, before resting his own gloved hand on top of it. “I can't just leave, Roxas. You have no idea what they've got in store for you.”

“Then tell me.” What exactly? What is it that I want to know? I feel even dizzier and that's when the world around me starts to move around, yet Axel remains still on the uneven ground. 

“Shit.” He says under his breath and materializes his weapons once more. My desire to sit down and close my eyes is stronger than ever, even stronger... than anything I've ever thought of, I wanted to say after a test. But what if that was an illusion after all? Why are there feeling crawling from the depths of my heart? What is going on? Axel approaches me and that's when we suddenly jerk at a new intruder, as if there haven't been enough. 

“Don't you fucking dare!” Axel snarls and looks at the figure in red. His circular weapons catch fire and that's when he throws them with intense force at the figure with his face wrapped in some red bandages, completely hiding his already unknown identity. They go right past him, as if he were a ghost, but instead some code happens to appear where the weapons would've hurt him. 

“Roxas, don't listen to this fool!” The figure sounds as if he's pleading, but he's not. His piercing eyes keep looking at me. Axel's weapons are going back towards him. “He speaks utter nonsense. You must remain here!”

Axel groans and then grabs me by the shoulder, turning me away to something which looks like a big hole in the whole wobbly world, oozing darkness and I can't help but stare at it as if I have seen it before numerous times. 

“Roxas!” But it's far too late and Axel pushes me inside. Before I can even see where I am, I feel two arms wrapped tightly around me. He leans down and I look at the light blue surroundings with symbols. I still have no idea what any of this means and I don't know what to do but tap Axel on the back, yet he holds me tighter than anyone who I recall ever has. This is a different hug, which makes me a bit heated up. 

We were... more than friends. 

Axel stretches an arm out and the portal thing is closed. A panic runs over me, but Axel holds me even tighter and I can even feel some tears dripping on my hoodie. 

“I'll get your memories back, Roxas, I promise.” He says quietly and I can hear him, despite how quiet he sounds because there is no other noise in this void. Axel leans a bit back, loosening his grip on me. He looks at me from head to toe and my dizziness is gone, replaced by mere curiosity and confusion, I let go of him and wander around for a bit as... my best friend watches me. He even sits down, as I just walk around, in circles even and he seems to be catching his breath as well, speculating. 

“I can't bring you back.” He declares suddenly. His eyes brightening, the green somehow becoming greener. I turn around and there's quite a gap between us, he still keeps his weapons at both sides, but somehow I feel no fear. He stands up and gesticulates enthusiastically. “Let's run away, Roxas!” 

I tilt my head in pure confusion. 

“C'mon, they threatened to kill me if I wouldn't get you back to them... But who knows what they really are planning! I don't think us sleeping with each other would be greeted that well anyway-” He cuts himself short. “I'm just... referring to what we did prior.”

We both somehow blush lightly, just barely, but enough for the other to feel. 

“B-but what about Organization XV?”

“XIII, Roxas. Got it memorized? But then, screw those guys.” He says, making a motion of hand and stepping far closer to me. 

“What about Hayner... Pence? Olette? The guy in red?” Axel sighs. I don't know how far we've gotten without an explanation of any sorts by now. Why am I even trusting him? I gesticulate with hands around my face. “He'd be after me too. Everyone would be after us.” 

“Makes it more romantic, doesn't it?” He grins, before realizing what he's just said. “I didn't mean it that way. Just that-”

“We were lovers, weren't we?” I ask, gulping audibly, my palms sweating. Axel nods, running a hand through his fiery red hair. 

“For a brief while before you left... I should've followed you. I should've told you so much, Roxas-” He cuts himself off, holding back the biggest secret of them all. “You're right... We should've left. I betrayed you.”

He's standing terribly close to me, but he doesn't do any moves on me. 

“I'll fix it now. I'm with you. You won't get anyone on you. I'm with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this chapter, to be very honest! I did it in one sitting and I'm really excited about it. Please let me know what you think:)


	3. Chapter 3

It's strange now to decipher the memories. There's the dreams of the boy, which stopped happening and he seemed to be just as confused as I was. Wasn't that the part of growing up? Not knowing who you really are? I thought of those memories... which Axel told me weren't my own. So who did I really like? Standing close to me Axel just waited, but then I started wondering around again, as if there was an end to this abyss. As if it could bring me answers. All I knew that Axel wasn't... lying. I couldn't have the memories, but something deep inside me was speaking to me. Whoever left me in Twilight Town maybe erased the memories of my sexuality as well? 

I had no memories of girls either. I knew that the girls crushed on me, but I felt confused. There was an urge but I would close it after as soon as I would open it. I didn't even have nostalgia now. 

What was nostalgia?

I looked behind at Axel. That man was my nostalgia. 

I approached him and was surprised that no one was really following us. I guess it was really for now. No one would approach us here... It seemed like a safe haven. 

But Axel seemed to think otherwise and opened another darkness portal, motioning for me to get in. I wondered what his plan even was and how come things were moving so fast. I glanced at him, as he kept looking around and eventually he stepped after me. 

It took a second, but I still couldn't help but think of my sexuality, as I entered into what seemed another... town? I looked right up at the sky to see the bright stars and the old buildings. Axel stood right beside me, closing the portal right after. 

“It's where people whose worlds were lost come to. I guess... we came here by choice, but that doesn't make it less welcome for us.” Axel smiled slightly. He let me explore the town, I was cautious, amazed by the small amount of people walking and how they all looked different and yet somehow fit in, making Axel with his huge black coat not stick out. Then he briefly spoke up. “It's called Traverse Town.” 

So that was the name of it. It was filled with brick buildings, as if it was a night time companion to Twilight Town. We wandered around for a bit, but I couldn't have the guts to ask if he would know where we would stay. It had been night when he had dragged me out and now all of a sudden, sleep was taking over me. But I wanted to explore, but I figured that the Town wouldn't be gone tomorrow... Maybe the red bandaged man had no idea where we were and same for the Organization, I could only hope. 

I didn't know what was real, so I had to focus on everything in front of us. I ended up wasting close to ten minutes wandering silently with Axel, who seemed to be shy to walk at the same pace as I was, watching me from behind or maybe he kept looking back. I wasn't sure. In the end I would always look behind, knowing that he was there. 

“Axel... Where can we sleep?” I hoped it wasn't an alleyway and he had... whatever money they took over here. Axel chuckled. 

“Sorry, I just found that interfering with your dreams would be the easiest way in and without disturbing much as well as getting Sora out of your mind.”

“Sora?”

“...The guy you dream of. He's-” He tried to find the right words but failed. There seemed to be so many explanations that I bet Axel could write a whole book on how the world worked. “Better for you to forget. That's all I'm gonna say for now. We should really get some rest, Roxas. You're right.” 

He fiddled with his pockets, it didn't even seem that his coat would have any somehow, since they were hidden by the pitch black colour of it. He nodded and now he was leading the way. I guess we were both to shy to keep going at the same pace. As if we were some sort of closeted couple going away to hook up and never meet again, like on those apps I've wondered about, but I could never bring myself to do it even if the guys on the other end promised total discretion. 

We ended up going back through some doors, which seemed to be district divisions, one away from where we started off. Axel stopped and pondered for a while, then he headed towards the first district, the one we showed up in. He walked a bit faster and took out a set of keys, looking behind to make sure that I was there. 

“I came here... a very long ago. I can take the couch.” It was a one room place, with nothing fancy. The table, the stove, only the bathroom was separate. There was a small couch, which seemed like something I could squeeze into rather than Axel with his tall frame, but I couldn't bring myself to say that I would indeed prefer the bed to clear my mind. 

“Say, Axel?” I caught his attention. I sat on the bed. It was calling out my name, I just wanted to lay down and eventually I did, stretching my arms and legs, kicking off my sneakers fast, closing my eyes briefly before staring at the ceiling. A chill ran through my spine. “What if I dream of the boy again? Sora?”

“No. You're out of there.” Axel stated, as if it were a fact. But he didn't seem to be sure and a frown now decorated his face. “I don't think you'd dream of memories either. Frankly... I have no idea and the people I'd ask are either dead or I wouldn't want to talk to because I've got you on my hands. They'd report you immediately.” 

I didn't even want to dwell on the dead part. 

“Axel?” I asked, still staring at the ceiling with no intentions of moving, even if I was curious to study his face. He was handsome, I had to give it to him and to myself, because if we were really having sex, at least the no memory me approved. Sure, I dwell on my sexuality even now, but he seemed to be the last piece of the puzzle. 

“Hm?” I'm guessing he sat on the couch, getting ready for bed. I heard him unzip his coat. I raised my head to see him have a plain black shirt underneath and pants to my dismay. 

“Did we sleep together?”

“Roxas, we had sex a few times.” He didn't blush, but I was sure that his cheeks heated up. 

“How many?” I looked back at the ceiling. 

“...Geez, I counted, but I don't want you to think that I was infatuated with you.” I raised my head to see him again, now slowly taking off his boots and pants. I'm guessing he was just as tired and wanted sleep just as much as I did. I grinned at him. Axel looked away. 

“Looks like someone was smitten and did count.” I could hardly hold my grin from growing. Teasing was fun. 

“It doesn't matter now, though.” He sighted and lifted up a boot, as if inspecting it, but it was all clean and neat, propping his hand for his head to rest on. I leaned back and closed my eyes, yawning and bringing my hand to my face. 

“Maybe. But that doesn't mean that I won't recall... Maybe it'll come back. Maybe-” I sat up. My heart started beating fast. My mouth went dry. “It would help you sleep at night... That I feel something... at the edge of my heart, tingling.”

I confess and he stares at me like a deer in the headlights. 

“Roxas...” He has far too much to say and drops the boot. Axel nearly lifts himself, but stops, perhaps thinking that he is crossing the line. He's too scared to speak up and I'm too tired to get it out of him. “You don't have to.”

“I want to. I want to be myself... If I loved you, I want to love you again.” Axel doesn't reply, sitting up suddenly and approaching me. He sits besides me. I feel his hand on my cheek. I close my eyes, but nothing comes, instead he only strokes it with his thumb. 

“Roxas, I don't think you're a princess where a kiss would magically solve all your problems.” He smirks, lightening the mood a bit. I open my eyes to his bright green. “But yes, I did love you.

And I will again, if you do.” 

I can't help but stare at him and his lips. I didn't even have a kiss in my memories, fake or real. 

“Sleep with me-” I quickly catch up before he interrupts me, I motion towards the couch which faces the bed. “It's too small for you, anyway. Just sleep. No funny business. No dream disturbing either.” 

I poke him in the ribs and he laughs slightly. 

I dream of many things for the first time in a while, which aren't Sora or Axel calling my name. But before that I felt that I couldn't sleep for a long while or maybe it was just a question of seeing my dreams far too vividly because I hadn't been able to before, it was just me. It seemed to be a blur and I woke up a few times during the night, where Axel was just sitting up and looking ahead, probably wondering how come he had gotten this far without being caught. I would think the same thing, if I were him. I sat up with him and we looked at each other, silently. 

I wanted to take his hand. I still had no recollection, but something deep down inside me was tingling and I didn't want it to stop. Axel surely wanted me to wait. But for some reason my heart was getting desperate, as if I was missing him for an eternity and now we were reunited. Did the red bandage guy know that me and Axel had a very intimate relationship? Did he skim through my memories before wiping them all together or was I just a mere puppet for him? Why did Axel shudder when I mentioned a heart? 

“Axel.” I said and he looked at me, there was barely any light, but the curtains were a bit sheer so we could make out each other's faces well enough in the dark thanks to the street lights outside. I scanned him, hoping for an expression beyond worry, something to tell me what to do. We clearly couldn't sleep, I even recall Axel getting closer to me, when I was still not asleep. I wanted to get closer, but I didn't dare to wake him up. He was in love with someone who couldn't remember what it was to be in love with him. 

Was he in love? 

I knew what he had said, but I was aching for his touch. I couldn't explain it. 

It was as if my heart was possessed and I wanted as much as I could get from Axel, which was really everything. My feelings were firing up minute after minute since we got out of Twilight Town. I was in whirlwind, where I couldn't control myself. 

I looked down at his lips and he caught me red handed. We were awfully close, but not enough-

Why did it ache so much?

“Roxas, I really don't think a kiss would bring your memory back.” He says and looks at me, but he lets me get closer, he tilts his head slightly. “Roxas...”

“I don't know how much time we have, Axel.” I sound serious all of a sudden. “I'm scared and I know...”

I feel my whole body nearly shaking as I get even closer to him. 

“That I really loved you with all my heart. I regret not saying it to you earlier.” It gets out of my mouth, before I can even comprehend it, before any memory can properly come back, but my heart swells up and feels as if it's been released from a cage. I get even closer and Axel glances down at my lips, then back at my eyes. 

His expression changes and I know exactly the meaning behind it. It's all we've left unsaid when I knew... who I was? Who was I? 

Axel.

Axel.

He was the key to it all, someone who was my past was now my present and was...

Whatever was in store for me. 

“You don't even have to count it as our first kiss-”

“We've already had a first kiss, Roxas.”

“You know what I mean.” I look at him, slightly irritated and mockingly for ruining the moment. But, that was Axel, wasn't it? I look down, sighing with a smile on my face, but Axel takes his chance. 

He lifts my head up and we look at each other for a glimpse of a second before we kiss. Memories don't start rushing through my head indeed, but instead my heart feels like it's about to explode. We start off by just a plain kiss before both me and Axel open our mouth and start passionately making out. I didn't even know I had it in me. I moan into the kiss, which causes Axel to pause rubbing his tongue against mine and he pulls me on top of him. I feel his erection growing. So is mine. Axel wraps his arms around me

Nostalgia

Is it what it is?

Is this longing nostalgia?

We can't stop kissing for a good while. I can't get enough of his kissing. I even open my eyes briefly to see Axel in pure bliss, before we both pull back, me still straddling him. Something runs through Axel's mind and he's struggling to put two and two together, making a sentence out of plain words. 

“I love you.” He says finally. “You ought to know. Memories or no, it's always you.” 

He stated the obvious. We kiss for a bit more, before we decide to call it a night and that's when I think I sleep normally. I still don't have the memories, but they are deep within my heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been really on a roll with this story, because I guess it's been years in the making because I could never put an Axel/Roxas story to paper, which I enjoyed and followed through with. I hope you're enjoying it as much as I am and please feel free to tell me so :)


	4. Chapter 4

I wake up somehow much earlier than Axel, causing me to squeeze myself carefully against him and I watch him. My lips tingle when I think of the kiss we had shared. Was I being reckless? I was... somewhere else with someone who I didn't remember who loved me so dearly and I seemed to love back. I wasn't sure how anything of this would work out. It didn't look like being a pawn for the red bandaged guy and escaping the Organization was a good idea. Maybe it was all about actually having two evils and not choosing either. It was like putting in a blank ballot when it came to some voting, but the problem was that by Axel yanking me out of Twilight Town and the Organization he had offered a solution, as it was more than obvious that no good could come out of either. Axel eventually got even closer, mumbling something in his sleep before stretching his hand, looking like he would usually hug the pillow but instead it softly hit my stomach. We slept in our shirts and boxers. Thankfully it didn't reach a lower area, which I'm sure he would've enjoyed more, but I don't think either of us were ready to have sex just yet. I didn't know exactly how we progressed from friendship to actually having sex in the first place. I barely knew anything about who I was now. 

Axel opened his eyes a bit bewildered and even stood up, rubbing his eyes, as if I were a dream which still seemed to be reoccurring. 

“Right. I ought to memorize this.” He says in the sleepiest voice I've ever heard. I stretch my hand towards his hair, but stop myself. Have I done this before? Axel looks less bewildered, but lets me tug on his spikes, run a hand through his hair as he has a sheepish grin on his face. His hair burns my fingers and I can't help but recall how passionately we had kissed last night. 

Were we boyfriends before?

I guess so. 

I cock my head to the right and smile back at him. I'm not sure if I should just kiss him good morning, because the night holds its secrets and the day is something else. There's a reason our soul feels more open when it comes darker and darker. I look out of the window. Looks like there's no sun in this city, because I doubt we've slept that long and Twilight Town was always... Twilight. So I guess Traverse had it's own magic about the place. 

“It's always dark here.” Axel says nearly like a confession and sits up, careful not to touch me. I guess he's got his own turmoil, just like I have my own. But it feels odd to have that cleared up even if it were just one night of kissing. I can vividly recall his moaning against my kisses, pulling me closer and I could feel the taste of hope on his lips, that one day

it would

all 

go back. 

But would it really? Why was my memory wiped completely and replaced with false memories? I wasn't sure if now was the right time to ask Axel that. I'm sure he was hurting in his own way. The more I thought about the time of me in Twilight Town the less nostalgic I felt towards it and instead a desperate longing to find out the truth was coming to me. Axel just stared at me with his bright green eyes. 

I started feeling a tremendous hole of loss of something I wasn't aware of, I guess that my heart was just hurting from not knowing what exactly I was missing. A part of me wanted to know all the memories, but I was scared that something would be off, that I would wake up a different person all together. But then who was I? Do memories make the person? What does make someone themselves? I looked at Axel, all filled to the brim with the questions, but it felt like Axel had to much to tell which would hurt him and I wondered what was the root of all of this. 

“Why did I leave, Axel?” I choose the question nearly blindly as the only source of the light still comes from the sheer curtains trying to do a bad attempt from the streetlights properly seeping through. 

“Because you wanted to know... Because you thought you'd find yourself, but instead they caught up on you, Roxas.” He gulped and looked away. “You thought you and I were just a fling, since I didn't agree with your stance on turning your back on the Organization. I'm pretty sure they would want to destroy you as well with all the damage you've done.” 

“Who else is after me? It's not just the Organization, is it?” I ask slowly and Axel keeps looking away, he even slumps slightly with his tall frame and I stare at his hair. 

“Roxas... I know you went searching for the truth... But maybe you don't need it, after all?” 

“Axel. I need to know, not just you, but everything else.”

Axel can't help but laugh lightly and I can see the sadness in his face. 

“You never change.” But I keep my gaze fixed on him until he looks at me, fully hurt from the memories which he's thinking whether to unravel or not. I would just let it out in the open, but I see that something dark is holding him back. He takes both of my hands and tries to get closer to me, but I lean away. A kiss wouldn't do justice to just make me forget me things, forget my desire to know who I really am. Axel frowns and nods in understanding. 

“It's not easy to say. You're a pawn.” I keep listening as he tightens his grip on my hands, making sure not to interrupt. “You're a pawn... For Xemnas, for DiZ. It took me a while to figure it out. But because you have the key, you're a pawn.”

He's holding back. 

“Axel.” I plead him, squeezing his hands back. “We both loved each other with our hearts. Why can't you tell me something?”

Axel's eyes darken. 

“Roxas... we don't have hearts.” He says it quietly, in nearly a whisper and looks down at my hands as my mind goes blank, I reach for my chest... I don't hear anything. I frantically go under my shirt, as Axel keeps looking at me silently. A strong wave of anxiety takes over me and I can't stop it from escalating, a strong headache starts to form as I look at a blank, silent Axel. I roughly let go of the second hand as well, taking off my shirt, as if to find anything on my body, I check my pulse and there indeed is nothing. Then I lean towards Axel and press my hand against his chest. 

“A heart is not what you think. It doesn't just pump blood. It gives you emotions, memories...”

“But I loved you! I love you now, I feel it, Axel!” I nearly scream and stand up, running a hand through my hair, pacing around the room as Axel's emerald eyes follow every step I take. 

“That's because we remember what it was like to be in love, Roxas. We loved someone else. We fell in love because we knew how it was to feel.” I start pulling my hair, I can start feeling the tears build in my eyes. He's... He can't possibly be lying. What would that bring him? We're already nearly sleeping together. I look back at him and tears start slowly streaming down my face. 

“How can you say that?!” I raise my voice and I'm sure we can be heard from the outside. I climb back onto the bed, right in front of Axel and stare at him. 

“I love you!” I exclaim. Axel's eyes are just as hollow, hurt from saying the truth aloud , but he doesn't look away. 

“Yet you don't remember anything... I have to tell you everything.” He snaps suddenly and I can't help but stare at him. “Our love could be a recollection of anything else... A desire to be whole again.” 

“Whole?” I still ask, confused, a bit more calm this time. 

“With a heart.” Axel replies with haste, so that I don't ask further questions. “Which... Xemnas promised us. But I don't think he would do it without getting rid of either of us.”

“Then why did you kidnap me?” I ask, carefully and curiously, not even sure where I am even going with this. My headache keeps increasing and I can't stop it from spreading, my heart... or the void is starting to ache. I loved him. I was now certain of it. How could he say such a thing? Was he even thinking of all the distress, but the he surely was. He didn't want to speak until I was ready and now I couldn't help but regret everything I've asked. 

“I didn't kidnap you-”

“You know what I mean.”

“Because... I still love you.” Axel swallows again. “I want to know the truth as much as you do. But on my own terms, on our own terms. I don't want us separate.”

“But what if we indeed loved other people, Axel?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this chapter is a bit shorter than usual, but the ending was too tempting not to leave it there. 
> 
> If you enjoyed it, please let me know :)


	5. Chapter 5

“We did.” He says dryly. “I was in love with other guys before you. I knew I was gay.”

Jealousy pools inside my heart and I can feel it spilling. I hold onto my head, my headache intensifying and all of a sudden a rush of memories of... Sora come down on me. Riku, Kairi. He loved them both in his own ways. I was in no position to decide who he had to choose and who he was interested in, I raised my head at Axel who just looked down, fiddling with the bed covers between his fingers. He stands up and walks up to me. 

“But Roxas, listen.” I still hold onto my head, nearly crying from the pain of all the memories, the nearly done kisses, the jerking off even and dreams about them which tore Sora apart. “Just because Sora was Sora, that doesn't make you Sora. You're Roxas. You'll always be Roxas.”

“But... You know who you were in love with.” I mumble against his chest, my fists against it, as he hugs me and holds me tighter. My headache is there but there is nothing I can do about it regardless, whether I want to or not. “Sora- Sora, he was confused.”

“I'm pretty sure he chose Riku or whatever in the end.” Axel shrugs and I don't ask him yet how come he knows my memories better than I do. He starts stroking my back, as I try to relax and let my hands down. It's nice to feel his bare hand on my shirtless back. But it doesn't feel sexual at all, it feels very sensual and caring. The next question forms in my mind. 

“You said you loved someone. Who was it?” I speak very quietly and in nearly a hushed tone. I now wrap my arms back around him. Axel sighs and puts his chin on my head. 

“It was before I lost my heart, of course.” He confesses and I listen. “Funnily enough... The first one really looked like you. We met briefly, but he kept coming to me in dreams, he promised me we would see each other again. I guess I have a thing for shorter blondes...”

He pauses and realizes that I want the whole story. 

“There's something about the both of you. He was colder, lost, even more lost than you are now. He was uncertain of his sexuality, we met once with my best friend and then... I met him alone. We were both just strolling around and started talking. I really wanted to be remembered, I had this fixation on being immortal. I don't know why, I just wanted people to remember and he listened to everything I had said, being all bashful. I bought some ice cream for him, as a friendly gesture and I guess that kind of was taken another way. We kept walking, Isa, my other friend was busy with his family, so I was alone. 

Ventus, was his name.”

That name meant nothing to me, no matter how deep I went into the fragments of Sora's memories I had gathered while I had been in Twilight Town. 

“So he kept talking about his friends... How he knew they would find someone eventually, maybe even each other. There was three of them, him, Aqua and Terra. He was positive on the two and never developed a crush on Aqua. I mocked him, what about Terra? That's when Ventus blushed and looked at me. We had been sitting on a bench and he just looked down right after, getting redder and I was holding an ice cream in my mouth, scratching my head and stretching, not really paying too much attention to his struggles of sexuality. I was a late bloomer, I guess.

“He took the ice cream from me and looked into my eyes. 

“Ventus told me that he trusted me, since I had told him that we should meet again earlier. Sorry, it's hard to remember every single detail in chronological order. And meet we did. 

“He held both ice creams, they were melting in his hands and I was about to comment, when he caught me off guard entirely. 

“'Can I kiss you? I've never kissed a boy before. But I've always wanted to.' He confessed to me, I remember it word by word.” We didn't look at each other, I was just listening to the absence of his heart. Axel on the other hand, kept talking and I guess he was looking at the curtains. He didn't want to let go of me, just yet. 

“I didn't know what to say, as Ventus got closer, I could see that his eyes were pleading and I hadn't kissed anyone by then. I never thought of boys that way, either. I just thought that my time would come and I guess it did. The ice cream was melting and reaching his fingers by now. I looked at the ice cream, then back at him, gave a small awkward laugh, something stirred... deep down inside me and I looked at him, so close, his eyes so blue and then I nodded. He kissed me. I kissed back. Probably the most awkward kiss I've ever had, our tongues slippery against the other, not knowing exactly how to proceed. We both tasted of sea salt, which we had briefly eaten. I pulled his head closer, deepening the kiss even more. Ventus, he moaned quietly, I'm sure he would've done something if his hands weren't busy. 

“Then we broke the kiss, laughing at the mess on his hands and he washed them clean at a water fountain. We kissed briefly again, as if to memorize the feeling forever...” He paused. 

“When you're young... a kiss is everything. It lingers with you. I haven't seen Ventus since then. He had to leave, but promised to remember me as long as he'd live. By the time he left, the more I knew that he was my first love.” Axel held me tight and so did I. “You reminded me of him, maybe that's why I was drawn, but you're completely different. That's why I had loved you more than a teenage bitter-sweet love.” 

His voice broke on the word bitter-sweet. He had really loved this Ventus guy, huh? It was strange to imagine that there was someone who resembled me and I couldn't shake off the jealousy off me entirely. I felt sad, that I had no such story. I didn't get all of Sora's memories. 

Wait.

I was Sora. 

I broke the hug and stared at Axel. 

“I'm positive Ventus didn't make it out alive. Few of us did from Radiant Garden or wherever he was from. Maybe he was some sort of catalyst. Then I talked to Isa, the friend I told you about and I developed a crush on him or maybe it was just dormant because I hadn't opened that side of me yet before Ventus. But I kept my mouth shut, Isa was no player but I knew that he preferred girls so I just kept quiet and... not long after we just had our hearts taken away and-”

He glances at me, a double check. 

“Before we became nobodies.” I stare at Axel, blankly, confused, waiting for an explanation. “When your heart is stolen, the body is behind with memories and the knowledge of how feelings felt. That's why I loved you, Roxas, because I knew how to love in the first place.” 

“But- But I loved you.” Axel sighs, runs a hand through his hair and looks away. 

Memories. Are these all they are? But I surely wasn't the Ventus kid. I've never heard of him and Sora... Sora was different, if I was following correctly, of course. 

“But... what happens if we regain hearts, Axel?”

“I don't know.” He answers simply. 

“Why do we need to regain them... if we are already in love and I don't-” I pause. I take a deep breath. “I don't want to become Sora. I don't want his memories.”

Axel's eyes sparkle even if he isn't looking at me with his arms crossed in his black coat. 

“I want my own.” Axel smiles. 

“Well, that's for us to figure out and do.” And he leans closer to me, wondering if he should kiss me or not. I kiss him briefly, my chest feeling heavier that I still can't recall much from both of us, our time together. I put my hand on his cheek and stroke it, Axel leans into my hand, closing his eyes briefly before opening them back again and I feel like he can see right through me-

As if he's pinning me down on the bed, as if he's lusting to finally feel me for the first time-

I jerk at the sudden memory. My eyes widen and all I see is Axel's mouth moving, but I don't hear him. He looks concerned as I feel like I'm looking past him and then all of a sudden a memory flashes that I'm pinned to the bed by the red headed lover I've had prior. 

I start hearing voices... 

“Sora!” 

Axel was kissing me, I had never felt such lust in my life. We were both already naked, our coats discarded by the bed, Axel teased me by rubbing his own rock hard cock against my own. I winced, but Axel was only taking pleasure from teasing me, as I spread my legs, inviting him to fuck me as hard as he wanted to. Then he took both cocks in his hands and started jerking them both together, causing a lot of precum to slip onto Axel's fingers. It was our both. Axel was holding himself from having an orgasm. I could see the frustration from his end. 

“Sora!”

I begged him to just enter me, but instead he stopped jerking off our already slippery cocks. He grinned at me. I wanted to ask him, what was going on in his head, but instead he finally took initiative and spread my legs as much as he could and inserted a finger inside me, causing me to arch my back. I pull the covers under me, clutching them from all the pleasure and how tight I am. Axel inserts a second finger, grinning all this time, his face so close to mine, that I can feel his breath but he doesn't kiss me. The fucker. 

“Sora, please come back!”

Axel starts shaking me, I can now see him, but my memory and my concentration is elsewhere, all I can feel is pleasure, his cock finally inside me and I've never felt like it, I've never made love to anyone. He teased me by putting it all the way out and slamming it back in, in and out, in and out, my moans, my spread legs, his rock hard cock bare inside me. He pulled my lips with his teeth and we kissed deeply, as if remembering the love- The love. The love. 

“Roxas, come back this second! This man is selling you illusions! He will only cause harm once again.” 

Is he watching me? I flinch. Does he know where I am? The red bandaged man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it took a while to update! I usually do a chapter in 1 or 2 sittings and it took a while before I could sit down for a second time. Regardless, I really enjoyed this chapter and I toyed with a bunch of things, really. I'll keep my mouth shut from spoiling and please tell me if you enjoyed it :)


	6. Chapter 6

I gasp suddenly, as if I was under water, struggling for every breath, as Axel is still shaking me and I nod, as if a sign to stop doing so. The red bandaged man's words rung through my ears. 

'He will only cause harm once again.' 

“Roxas?” I can't help but try to shake poor Axel off me, but he holds me tight, some old memory coming back. It keeps getting worse and worse, my own memories come replacing Sora's- 

If that's a good thing... Why is the red bandaged man so angry at me? Is he the one I should be cautious about? I didn't even realize that I had been staring down all this time and I look up into Axel's emerald eyes. A part of me was slowly waking up, but I had no idea what was going on, it was overwhelming me to no end. Axel was cautious, I was cautious, we were both holding me as if I were a glass piece, ready to shatter if I would come in contact with the floor. I could see myself on it, all torn apart and the red bandaged man-

He'd be laughing.

I put my hands into fists and I looked up at Axel, I grabbed him by his chin and I pushed harshly my lips against his own. Axel didn't even reply at first, he just stood there, eyes wide open, tense but then he started kissing me back. His mouth was as familiar as mine, but then what was it that I couldn't recall? What was wrong with me? What did the man want? Maybe he was the bad guy after all. Why would love be wrong? 

At the end of the kiss, I sighed, running my hands over my face and tugging on the spikes of my hair, as I could still feel Axel's lust against my lips. I still felt the barrier between us, as if we were new lovers. We were in a way. I couldn't tell him everything, it was like every move, even though we were holding hands, was crucial and a mistake seemed to be unavoidable, even though we were bound by the red string of fate rather harshly. I didn't know why was I so scared of it all.

I knew Axel loved me. 

I knew that I would understand all the love I've ever felt for him again. 

“I'm... gaining my memories back.” Axel's eyes sparkled at my sudden sentence and he urged me to go on and that's when my cheeks turned brighter than they ever have... But then, I'm sure I was blushing during all the times we've had sex.

We've had sex a few times, right?

He was awfully attractive. Why shouldn't I? Then there was me. I wouldn't call myself attractive or ugly either. I just felt there and a bit too concerned about my appearance sometimes, because I would make sure that my hair would look the same every day, same for the clothing... that was what I've been fed, really. I wondered if we both spent our mornings in front of the mirror, elbowing each other after a night of sex-

I couldn't get it out of my head now. 

“Oh.” Axel grinned sheepily. “That.”

He let go of me and his gloved hand traced a line down my cheek and my jawline. I didn't know how to react, other than to kiss his hand softly and then look up into his eyes. We weren't having sex now. I wasn't ready even though the memory came to me in full fucking glory. 

So what if Axel would cause me more pain? Who should I trust? A lover or a strange man who wanted me to change?

I think the answer was obvious. I kissed Axel again, not getting enough, even though my love was yet to be found. Axel did break the kiss though.

“Roxas?”

“M?”

“Roxas... maybe it's best for you to recall everything...”

“Is there something you're hiding from me?” I ask him, nothing close to cautious, I am trusting the red headed man far too much. He shakes his head, nearly instantly. 

“I just don't know... what happens now.” He keeps his mouth open for a while, before closing it again. “You're supposed to come back to Sora, but if you won't... that's like breaking fate. I never thought I'd be capable of it. So now, it's a question of what now? The world's will crumble, we will be pariahs everywhere, but it won't matter.”

He gulps audibly. 

“We've chosen our path.” 

“I've told you I love you.” I say and Axel doesn't interrupt me. He just nods, quietly repeating the three words which every lover longs to hear. “I won't back down.”

Just like any lover, we're both scared, because we're both left to each other's means. 

A questions starts to unravel in my mind.

“What about your memories, Axel?” I ask softly, both of us still in the room and I feel like we both need a walk, if it happens to be safe, which Axel claimed it to be before, as this is the world where everyone lost goes. So maybe there would be other lost people in need before us? I honestly had no idea. 

“What of them?” I keep going.

“I remember, some get distorted, some get forgotten, but it all becomes a matter of personal perception and what you want to do with said memories. We construct our own fates, our own pasts so why would memories be any different?” He tilts his head, as if thinking on what he himself has just said. He gently touches my forehead. “That's why they were trying to manipulate and erase all your memories, because sometimes... memories make the person.” 

“I always thought that it was the person which makes the memories.” I mumble and Axel just keeps stroking my cheek. I think we both realize that it's been far too long that we've been locked inside here. 

“It's both. You can't have one without the other.” Axel shrugs and then looks at me carefully. I feel a bit claustrophobic being inside all the time and I can't help but be curious what is there outside, a sting goes through my body. What about my love for skateboarding? Was that also made up? I try to recall whatever is left from Sora within me and I'm not sure if he even liked skateboards. I have an urge to do it whether I had wanted it prior when I was... myself or not. Can I even be considered myself? 

“Axel.” I catch his attention, even though I've had him in the palm of my hand for so long, it's so strange to take love for granted when you're not even properly aware how the fuck did it all happen. It feels like through a thin veil, but I can't seem to rip it open to see clearly, to escape or to find some scissors to rip the damn fabric open to see him clearly. The worst is that I'll never be able to know again how it is to fall in love for the first time with him. All I can do is hope that I'll be able to see through the veil and that no one will yank me further away from him. Instead of asking about skateboarding, I open my mouth, about to ask about the red bandaged man. “Can we go outside? Is it safe?”

Axel just nods and I wonder if we will raise suspicions, specifically Axel's black long coat, which always looks out of place, as if he's some character, as if he's the bad guy, but then everyone seemed to be dressed weird, considering that this is where all the lost go. He takes me by my hand, holding it in a firm grip, before interlacing our fingers together. He ponders for a while and kisses me hastily before we leave, as if for some sort of luck, but he tries to play it cool-

Like always. Axel never shows how scared he is, sure, he can throw a tantrum and break everything around in the room, but never fear. Fear is something unreachable by Axel. Hurt? He's been a victim of it so much-

Ventus.

Who was he? How come we looked alike? I couldn't help but wonder if we would ever run into him and what was it that our fate held us alive for? What if we were the loose gear in fate? What if Sora was the one who was supposed to survive and yet here we were, two lovers who wouldn't give up on love even if one couldn't recall the first kiss properly, the first time the other said I love you.

Sure, the memories were coming back... But at what cost were they really coming back?

When we headed out, Axel couldn't help but look up. He frowned and that's when I noticed what was really happening, not only there was a crowd of kids which rushed past us, they had smiles on their faces... But the sky was pitch black besides a couple of stars. 

“Fuck. Xemnas is collecting hearts at a rapid pace.” He muttered and gripped my hand even tighter. “He doesn't even need us anymore, we're just pawns which managed to escape at this rate.” 

“Wouldn't... that be a good thing?” I asked carefully, returning the strong grip back, Axel was scared and concerned, his brows lowered and concentrated, as a million thoughts kept rushing through his head, he couldn't help but look at me. 

“Sure, we interfered with DiZ's plan. But we aided Xemans.” He looked at my confused face. He gestured at his face. “DiZ is the red bandaged man, Roxas.”

A shiver ran through my spine. 

'He'll hurt you once again.'

When?

When? 

When did Axel hurt me? 

Was he toying with me? He had to. I wasn't a prize to be won or lost in a game of cards... in the Organization. I couldn't help but wonder about all these faces which were showing up in my head with no names attached for now. Who were they? Were they also incomplete? Were they also parts of different people? Were they also Xemnas' pawns? Were they just clueless as me and Axel once were? Could they be saved? Or was it just like a school book, where they would describe war and everyone had to only take care of themselves? But what about the men that bonded along the way in order to save the others, in order to fight over something?

I wasn't sure. 

I had something to live and love for now. Xemnas or DiZ wouldn't take him away from me now. 

I watched the sky a bit longer, counting another few stars going out.

Were we selfish?

We were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's been a while due to my mental health and other factors, but I'm back and nervously waiting for Kingdom Hearts III. I haven't even been watching the latest trailers in order to not spoil myself! I'm really excited and if you enjoyed it, please tell me so as that would really make my day and go a very long way, thank you.


	7. Chapter 7

I knew I was Sora, but I didn't have to be Sora. 

All I wanted was to sleep it all off, I wanted Axel but at the same time I wanted to be... back home? Why couldn't Axel just be another kid in my school, struggling with the ridiculous amount of homework and holding a pencil between his teeth, thinking too much about the assignment. 

Why couldn't I be normal?

Instead here I was, I was strolling through... Traverse Town, that's what Axel had called it. I wasn't even myself, I was running away from who I was supposed to be apparently. I didn't exist. 

Missing Axel was suddenly a piece that had been missing all along, DiZ had to rearrange the memories but he couldn't erase the longing for someone. I just thought it was mete teenage loneliness when in reality it was love for someone else. 

The Axel longing couldn't have been anything other than DiZ being unable to remove him from my system. It wasn't a small bitter gift that I actually had someone who loved me so deeply. 

But there was also longing for Twilight Town as we walked on, this town had been dipped into the night, while Twilight Town, well, the name spoke for itself and I couldn't help but miss it's melancholia even if I was with Axel. I wish I could've shown him everything even if my life wasn't real. Because those were the memories I had along with others, but I still clung onto the fake ones somehow. I wondered how real they were in a way. Because the memories with Axel were far stronger, maybe due to their content and their love. 

I was midway. I was remembering who I was and who I was supposed to be. There seemed to be no possibility that I actually existed, so what were we? What were me and Axel then? We were ourselves, we had memories, we had done actions, yet somehow in the eyes of this DiZ guy we didn't exist at all and were just something to be discarded or pawns in a far bigger game and the more I thought about Xemnas, the more it felt like me and Axel were just pawns as well to him. Why were we chess pieces? But were we even pawns if supposedly we shouldn't even have been on the board or was this some beneath the bed, monster crawling board that shouldn't exist, yet people drew on with crayons and -

Crayons.

I paused. It was something deep inside Sora's memory. 

I didn't know if I wanted more of Sora or if I just wanted to live my life. Because it felt like one couldn't work without the other. 

Me and Axel kept on walking, holding hand in hand with all the people wandering just as aimlessly and now the hotels booked to the brim with signs of no more places. I wondered if Axel had a bigger place if it was even safe to give a spare room to someone else, but ours was like a hotel room already. No one bat an eyelash, which made me wonder what were my fears consisting of, were they all a way of DiZ showing that I should be as far away as possible? I was attracted to guys, by the looks of it. My memories showed no evidence of any girlfriends and Axel spoke fondly of Ventus and the brief crush on Isa, who was his friend, back in the day and that had been it. I asked briefly about Isa, so Axel gave me a brief explanation that now he was Saix and in the Organization as well, he had changed and there was nothing that could have been done about it. 

I dropped the subject. 

We kept on walking, never drawing our hands back and the sky kept getting darker and darker, the main streets were far more crowded, even making Axel uncomfortable and I could see that he was starting to become uncomfortable. I looked around and saw an alleyway, so I dragged Axel with me and we stood there, both of us exhaling from the sudden amount of space available to us.

“We're destroying worlds for love.” Axel noted, sighing, looking up at the sky and I could see the few remaining stars reflecting in his eyes as they would slowly go out like a child's birthday cake with a bad attempt. But none of them would regain the light they once had. 

I broke the hand holding, causing Axel to jerk from the sudden lack of warmth and look at me. 

“I don't know... Axel. Maybe we shouldn't be doing this...” The voice from my throat was getting hoarse just from all the thinking and it was getting cold. Was this world going to disappear too? We could escape... But were our lives more significant than others? Weren't we doing what the others were doing? But with all the stars going out... Maybe Sora's life was far more crucial than my own. 

But even if I were to admit defeat, go back to being Sora, how would I do that? There was also no way Axel would've left me to do so, either. He didn't want to lose me again. I wanted to be alone all of a sudden, because that's what the memories, the corrupt part of me was saying.

Be alone.

Get found. 

I was carrying the weight of all the lost worlds upon my shoulders. 

I was the culprit of everyone collapsing just because I had decided to exist. I couldn't understand what was so wrong with me in the first place? If I was such a pawn like DiZ treated me, well, he should've thought this through much more. But instead Axel clung onto my hand tighter and I could see he was scanning me to see if I would be up for a hug, because he needed one. But we still just were connected through that one hand.

“Roxas.” Axel said my name firmly. “You're worth all the worlds. It doesn't matter how many we will burn, because saying that someone isn't supposed to exist is to the core wrong. We just... need to find a balance, find out how to restore everything, even. Maybe it's possible...” 

He took my right hand into his both hands. His brows were nearly together in concentration. 

“If you summon the keyblade... they'll sense you. Roxas, there will be no turning back. You won't be normal... I expect all your memories will come back now, that there are barely any ties left with Sora.” Axel spoke sadly, knowing the weight of the next decision I was supposed to make. I took out my right hand, in front of me and just before I summoned it, Axel kissed me roughly, slamming me against the wall, his lips and hands all over me. 

“I can't let you go just yet, Roxas.” He had said, nearly through tears, putting my hand down. “Please give me more time, more time.” 

Axel was nearly begging and I looked up at the sky and then back to his emerald eyes filled with a thin veil of tears on the contrast of a nearly starless sky. I couldn't stretch my hand even if I wanted to. I kissed him back as softly as I could. 

“Let's have tonight for ourselves.” I said softly to him, right before the first tears came out of his eyes. He nods quietly and I can only imagine in how much pain he's been, even if it's just memories and we are left with our empty shells, but we love with everything we have left. Or maybe with all there ever was. That's when he pulls me even closer, kissing me right on the lips, hungrily, as if I were about to do everything now. We both get very excited from all the kissing, but we break it eventually, neither of us silently eager of having sex in an alleyway, when we had a bed we could easily use. 

“Let's have dinner first or take away.” Axel says, his voice still breaking, as he wipes his tears away with his gloves. I grab both his hands and kiss him softly. 

“Anything you say, Axel.” I say as tender as I can. We walk around a bit, until dinner time is over, quietly, which doesn't take too long and we manage to find a small cafe still open with proper food and candles. We both take a seat. Axel kept quiet and to himself this whole time and I finally distract him by blowing the wrapper of a straw into his face, which makes him chuckle and the smile finally reaches his eyes. 

“I'm sorry.” He apologizes and I just shake my head, signalling that there is absolutely nothing to feel bad about. Axel thinks for a while. 

“What do you want to ask?” I ask him. 

“I'd ask about your past, but then... your memory is a massive bundle of Sora, who is completely different to you and then there's the fake memories.” Axel pronounces each word carefully, as if they all weight like the world, as if they all hold some dark secret, but then maybe they do. 

“But how real are the fake memories?” I ask my lover. 

“I don't know... I guess they wanted to make you as real, as possible.” Axel shrugs. “I'm not sure how nice DiZ would be.”

His eyes sparkle. 

“Did you at least masturbate to guys?” I feel myself get redder. 

“My memory tells me that I've had the thought, but now it's all blurry and I can barely make any sense of it. All I have... is memories of you, really.” I hide behind the menu, just to hide my warm cheeks, which I'm sure Axel would've mocked me over. “I remember when I first was jerking off and I had just seen you as a friend that point and I was taken back, that it felt good to touch-”

Axel forcibly takes off the menu from me, which is hiding my flushed face. 

“Myself to you.” Now I feel like hiding my face in my hands, but then I wouldn't be able to see Axel. “And then it snowballed, we were friends by then, pretty close friends and then you finally kissed me and I couldn't have asked for anything else. I fell in love with you... I've probably always been in love with you, really, how couldn't I?” 

Axel couldn't help but grin and lean forwards just to kiss me in haste, which I returned, my cheeks heating up even more, causing him to give a sly grin, pleasing himself with my flushed nature and I knew that I wouldn't make it to the night without actually getting fucked by him hard and that thought alone made it through dinner, as we did chat about our time in the organization and reminiscing old times, back when we both were lovers with our memories intact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the late update! I've been rather busy with my freetime, trying to pass Kingdom Hearts III and all! So please NO SPOILERS AT ALL XD! 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and if you did, please tell me so! Thank you so much for all the love and support!


	8. Chapter 8

I saw red.

I saw black, purple and blue... All of it flashing in front of my eyes. My memories were almost intact and the sky was now nearly pitch black when I would go outside with Axel, he would never leave me alone. I could see... different worlds. I could see people screaming. I could feel their hearts being ripped away from them and then they would slowly vanish, after their heart would go up in the air. 

I no longer held Sora's memories. 

Creatures started appearing in the alleyways where Axel and I once made out. Now Axel had to summon his chakrams and he would fight them, the creatures were either black or white and they would continue to creep on me. I wish I even had a wooden sword, but I had nothing. Instead I had to cover myself and stay close to Axel, who would remind me through gritted teeth that if I summoned the keyblade-

If I summoned the keyblade-

'Stretch your hand, Roxas. Summon it.' DiZ's voice rang loud and clear in my head. It was monotone, as if the whole fate of the worlds was in his hands. My body started trembling as some black creature struck me down from behind, slashing my back open with all the layers of shirts and jackets. 

“ROXAS!”

Black, purple, blue. 

My hand shook and I started stretching it, before Axel slammed into me, holding his weapon to my throat. His emerald eyes showing all the fear he's ever held. He summoned fire around us, causing the black creatures to stay away, as they all watched curiously, if you could call it that. 

“Roxas.” I tried to stretch my hand, even if he was causing me to choke. 

I was tired of being useless, but I couldn't dare to speak up as memories of the nights came to me, since every day was a night. We were hiding. We were cowards, just because we loved. 

And then... I saw it. 

I screamed. 

The Clock Tower. I pushed Axel away, closing my eyes with my hands and collapsing onto my knees. It fell. I could see all the creatures clawing their way up and down, I could see...

Hayner, Pence, Olette. All of them having their hearts stripped from them. It was as if by the click of fingers. 

“Roxas!” He was shaking me. I had no more power to push him away. “Roxas-”

I stretched out my hand and a bright shining light blinded us all, both me and Axel, the creatures and that's when I stepped into the fire, not caring and started slashing the creatures, feeling my whole body burning and Axel was watching me, tried to approach me, but I just couldn't react. 

“Curaga!” He screamed and the fire was gone, besides the burnt clothes and the burnt tips of my hair. 

'Well done, Roxas... We will find you shortly...' And the laugh echoed in my head long after it was gone. I turned to Axel after all the creatures had vanished for a while. He took a step away from me and slapped me across the face, breathing heavily. 

I couldn't even connect the dots. I couldn't fathom what I had done and how heavy the keyblade now was. I could look into Axel's anger filled eyes. Everything was just flashes in front of my eyes and Axel's screaming was mute. I couldn't understand how come I went from calm to actually summoning the keyblade after holding for so long. 

I could see his longing in those eyes, distress. He had been holding it for so long, going to bed fully clothed, screaming into the darkness corridors. 

He loved me with all his being, his shell and then I had stripped myself away from him for a good while only to be captured so foolishly. 

Even more creatures appeared and they were hungry for the keyblade, not even me, just the key. It was holding everything and Axel tried to bring even more fire, but now we could hear screams against the clash of flesh and steel. It was as if the creatures had been human just now, but I knew that I was hallucinating again. I was killing off these creatures... Just like I had killed off worlds in order for mine and Axel's love to thrive. 

We didn't have sex. All was flashes of memories and making out in alleyways as the world was ending, one world at a time. It was all so precise and... maybe the end was the beginning?

I held no memories of how everything worked, but I could start seeing the building breaking, the heartless being an end result of people and now blood was everywhere, streaming down the streets as me and Axel fought back to back. 

DiZ can take me now, but he was gone. 

I couldn't hear his voice. 

I stopped and that's when a shadow scratched my back viciously, before I slashed back at it. 

Where was DiZ? I kept looking around, slashing, seeing Axel's coat being torn, revealing the black clothing underneath and we were gonna die. Vanish. Disappear. 

The shadows all stopped in their path along with the dusks, now I recognized them besides the blood on their body, and that's when they started forming a very tall pillar, Axel collapsing to his knees, breathing heavily, putting his chakrams on the floor. I had to pull him up and face the heartless, as they formed and I held the key in front of me. Axel looked at me through barely open eyes. I was ready. 

“I always loved you.

I know everything now.”

And before everything flashed in my head 

They struck

I don't know 

But I could feel a faint smile from Axel, the static from DiZ, because Sora

Never woke up. 

Because just for a few amnesic days, I gave everything. 

If the world should end, it should end on love, not on destroying beings and lingering conspiracies by daft men who deemed themselves wise. And until the very end I held onto Axel, while his chakrams disappeared, when my keyblade broke and when he took his last breath, faintly muttering an R, as blood dominated my vision. I fought with my bare hands and nails. Teeth grabbing onto the dusks and tearing them apart, nails gripping onto shadows and tearing their heads off, until one grabbed a shard of the keyblade and struck it

Deep

Into 

My chest. 

I grabbed a lifeless Axel, barely seeing anything and my arm being torn, as if I were food. My legs no longer moving, and I exhaled deep into Axel's mouth, not even being able to kiss last. 

 

Black, purple, blue...

But all I see is red, red red red clutching me and telling me something, static gone and my vision adjusts to a sunrise on the clock tower in Axel's arms, holding me like a new born.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank everyone for reading this far and being with me on this journey!
> 
> For my other work, and to know why I use AO3, see here: https://graspthesanity.wordpress.com/2019/06/09/why-i-use-ao3/

**Author's Note:**

> I just really love Kingdom Hearts, 2 was always my favourite and forever shall be. It's been years since I've touched a KH fanfic and with all the new trailers, the remasters I can't help but go back to my favourite pairing. I've always enjoyed canon stories a lot, even if I'm more guilty of writing more AUs than possible for other fandoms. I just fiddled with the idea of how could Axel pull this off and the story was born!
> 
> For my other work, and to know why I use AO3, see here: https://graspthesanity.wordpress.com/2019/06/09/why-i-use-ao3/


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